Archive for July 21st, 2009

Me N Sarah Friends 4EVR


Sarah, how old r u? rn’t u like 45 yrs old? Y r u spending all yr X on twittr? Can’t u rite a cmplte sntnce? O, yeah, that’s rite, u can’t.

Look, Sarah, u r not 12 yrs old. It’s time 2 grow up and act yr age. This is gting rly embarsing for us. We can’t stnd 2 c u like this. Yr tweets r like nails on a chlkbrd.

Like Lisa Kogan said in the November 2008 Oprah magazine, “Junior high is just one long daisy chain of nonstop mean, and you have officially survived it. That’s right, my friend, you may have to face locusts, drought, and World War III, but you can now go forth secure in the understanding that seventh grade is over. You get to wake up each and every morning without worrying that Arleen Posner got the same Frye boots as you. You will never have to read Beowulf, be groped by a 13-year-old reeking of his father’s Aqua Velva, or feather your bangs again. The enormity of this revelation must not be underestimated.”

That’s right, Sarah, you’re not in seventh grade anymore. Grow up.

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